Giving up the dream

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This post is long overdue. About, a little over 2 years overdue. I have changed my blog's name to integrate it with my new blog that is more centered and I would say more of the real ME.

I started this blog to document my journey supposedly to being someone I wished to be. But as what always happens with me, I keep changing my mind. In my head I think, "all this time and you still don't know yourself well enough to know that at one point you will have to accept the fact that you are just dreaming?" The impossible dream is as what it claims to be... An impossible dream.

Despite the decision to give up, deep in my heart I still have that longing to be a doctor. But, let's face it... I'm too old to start with this and I do have my little angel to care for. Maybe this journey isn't about who I want to be, but who I'm meant to be.


February of 2011, I gave up my job teaching English online to go back to a job I really did not want to be in so as for me to save up for tuition to take up Med School supposedly about now, June 2012. I set up goals and a strict budget plan to save up for the expenses I am expecting. I laid everything out. How much I will be allocating for living expenses, for my sweetheart's upkeep, I was willing to live the way I had been living when I was earning 1/3 the amount I will be earning with my new company. So I went and got re-hired with this company, and everything started according to plan.

It started that way anyway.

Before long, I was back to my old ways again. Living paycheck to paycheck. Going on shopping sprees and spending more than I could cover each pay period, getting deep into debt again, the list goes on. What happened to my good intentions I so nobly started with? My resolutions? Flushed down the loo I guess. 2011 for me was one hell of a year. I regret a lot of things that happened then, but I did get to enjoy myself a lot as well. The question remains though, was everything really worth it? I learned a lot during this last fall I had, but what of the time I wasted? Where were the dreams of nobility, of being a doctor, self sacrifice, all those seemingly empty words I have spewed over and over and over again?

It's a vicious cycle.

I hit rock bottom. My attitude suddenly takes a turn for the better. I am given a break. I start with a world of good intentions. I meet someone. I forget my resolutions. I fall into the pit again. My family bails me out. I hit rock bottom. And on it goes...

Thankfully enough, maturity hits, at one point or another. Each time the cycle starts, I mature a little bit. I learn a little bit. I finally came to terms with the issues I've been having and all that. I finally came into terms with the issues I've been having. I finally see the cycle. I can make a conscious effort to break free. But as with any bad habit, it is one tough bitch to break.

After the fall of 2011, the rock bottom of 2012 commenced.

I went back to my pattern of perennial absences, lates and all. I started losing interest in my job and had to drag my ass off bed, swearing the hell of having to get up at 3 am to get to shift, every single freaking day. The job took a turn for the worse where the only break you can catch is that breathing room of half a minute before the next call comes in. In addition to that, I had a lot of things to pay off. I hated my life, and my life hated me. The feeling was mutual. 2012 was a really hard year for me and I couldn't wait for it to be over.

A peek at the silver lining.

2012 was not a total loss though. Late 2012, my mom succeeded in nagging me into inquiring about the teacher certification program in one of the nearby colleges.  I do have a degree in engineering but it seems that unknowingly, I have a skill, and a liking to teaching. I just made the deadline for the upcoming November class qualifiers then. In other words, I went in for an inquiry, I ended up signing up for the class. And I would like to note that I am thankful for my supervisor backing me up with the management to give me the weekends off to accommodate my class hours. Had I waited another week before the inquiry, I would have ended up taking the next class and missing this opportunity I have right now.

Anyway, 2013 held an air of hope for me. I started the year, not really right, but it was a better start than 2012. In retrospect, it almost seems that the timing is all too perfect for this to have been orchestrated by human hands. And thus, I have completely abandoned the dream of medical nature. It seems that I am not meant to be a doctor, but rather, I was meant to be a teacher.

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