Giving up the dream

This post is long overdue. About, a little over 2 years overdue. I have changed my blog's name to integrate it with my new blog that is more centered and I would say more of the real ME.

I started this blog to document my journey supposedly to being someone I wished to be. But as what always happens with me, I keep changing my mind. In my head I think, "all this time and you still don't know yourself well enough to know that at one point you will have to accept the fact that you are just dreaming?" The impossible dream is as what it claims to be... An impossible dream.

Despite the decision to give up, deep in my heart I still have that longing to be a doctor. But, let's face it... I'm too old to start with this and I do have my little angel to care for. Maybe this journey isn't about who I want to be, but who I'm meant to be.

February of 2011, I gave up my job teaching English online to go back to a job I really did not want to be in so as for me to save up for tuition to take up Med School supposedly about now, June 2012. I set up goals and a strict budget plan to save up for the expenses I am expecting. I laid everything out. How much I will be allocating for living expenses, for my sweetheart's upkeep, I was willing to live the way I had been living when I was earning 1/3 the amount I will be earning with my new company. So I went and got re-hired with this company, and everything started according to plan.

It started that way anyway.

Before long, I was back to my old ways again. Living paycheck to paycheck. Going on shopping sprees and spending more than I could cover each pay period, getting deep into debt again, the list goes on. What happened to my good intentions I so nobly started with? My resolutions? Flushed down the loo I guess. 2011 for me was one hell of a year. I regret a lot of things that happened then, but I did get to enjoy myself a lot as well. The question remains though, was everything really worth it? I learned a lot during this last fall I had, but what of the time I wasted? Where were the dreams of nobility, of being a doctor, self sacrifice, all those seemingly empty words I have spewed over and over and over again?

It's a vicious cycle.

I hit rock bottom. My attitude suddenly takes a turn for the better. I am given a break. I start with a world of good intentions. I meet someone. I forget my resolutions. I fall into the pit again. My family bails me out. I hit rock bottom. And on it goes...

Thankfully enough, maturity hits, at one point or another. Each time the cycle starts, I mature a little bit. I learn a little bit. I finally came to terms with the issues I've been having and all that. I finally came into terms with the issues I've been having. I finally see the cycle. I can make a conscious effort to break free. But as with any bad habit, it is one tough bitch to break.

After the fall of 2011, the rock bottom of 2012 commenced.

I went back to my pattern of perennial absences, lates and all. I started losing interest in my job and had to drag my ass off bed, swearing the hell of having to get up at 3 am to get to shift, every single freaking day. The job took a turn for the worse where the only break you can catch is that breathing room of half a minute before the next call comes in. In addition to that, I had a lot of things to pay off. I hated my life, and my life hated me. The feeling was mutual. 2012 was a really hard year for me and I couldn't wait for it to be over.

A peek at the silver lining.

2012 was not a total loss though. Late 2012, my mom succeeded in nagging me into inquiring about the teacher certification program in one of the nearby colleges.  I do have a degree in engineering but it seems that unknowingly, I have a skill, and a liking to teaching. I just made the deadline for the upcoming November class qualifiers then. In other words, I went in for an inquiry, I ended up signing up for the class. And I would like to note that I am thankful for my supervisor backing me up with the management to give me the weekends off to accommodate my class hours. Had I waited another week before the inquiry, I would have ended up taking the next class and missing this opportunity I have right now.

Anyway, 2013 held an air of hope for me. I started the year, not really right, but it was a better start than 2012. In retrospect, it almost seems that the timing is all too perfect for this to have been orchestrated by human hands. And thus, I have completely abandoned the dream of medical nature. It seems that I am not meant to be a doctor, but rather, I was meant to be a teacher.

White Sauce for Pasta: Alfredo vs Carbonara

I first heard the word "carbonara" from a classmate back when I was in elementary. At the time, I had no idea what that was, all I knew was that it was a kind of spaghetti dish. As I started experimenting in the kitchen, I came up with a recipe, cream, cheese, and milk, that I called carbonara, bless my heart, which I so firmly believed it to be. Then, later on, when we finally had paid cable at home, I watched a cooking show, I think it was Nigella Lawson's but I forgot exactly which one, and she made that similar dish but to my surprise, she used eggs and cheese. So to enlighten us a little bit...

Filipino Concept of Pasta (Spaghetti) Dishes

Spaghetti - as the name suggests, this dish uses spaghetti noodles topped with tomato-based meat sauce (to the effect of Bolognese) characterized by a sweet and slightly spicy taste. Now the meat sauce can sometimes contain, hotdogs, sausages, ham, etc. And depending on availability or the amount of spaghetti to be produced, ketchup may be an extender. On top of the sauce is a sprinkle of cheese most commonly cheddar.

Carbonara - most commonly known as white spaghetti (to the effect of Alfredo) sauced with either milk or cream base, meat (either ground pork/beef or bacon bits), and occasionally button mushrooms.

But what exactly is the difference between Carbonara and Alfredo?
*Wait... there's a difference?!*

Pasta Definitions

Alfredo - or more commonly known as Fettuccine Alfredo. It is a pasta dish made from fettuccine pasta tossed with Parmesan cheese and butter

"The Alfredo sauce originated at a restaurant owned by Alfredo de Lelio in Rome back in 1914. It was said that He created a special light dish for his pregnant wife when she could not tolerate heavy tomato sauces. The original Alfredo was egg fettuccine with butter and Parmigiano cheese. Mary Pickford and Douglas Fairbanks often stopped into his establishment which in turn attracted other Hollywood actors and the dish was talked about and recreated in America with the addition of heavy cream." [1]

Carbonara - is an Italian pasta dish is based on eggs, cheese (Pecorino Romano or Parmigiano-Reggiano), bacon (guanciale or pancetta), and black pepper.

"As the name is derived from Carbonaro (the Italian word for charcoal burner), some believe the dish was first made as a hearty meal for Italian charcoal workers. The etymology gave rise to the term "coal miner's spaghetti", which is used to refer to spaghetti ala carbonara in parts of the United States. It has even been suggested that it was created by, or as a tribute to, the Carbonari ("charcoal men"), a secret society prominent in the unification of Italy. It seems more likely that it is an urban dish from Rome." [2]


Spaghetti -  is a long, thin, cylindrical pasta of Italian origin. Spaghetti is made of semolina or flour and water. Italian dried spaghetti is made from durum wheat semolina, but outside of Italy, it may be made with other kinds of flour. Traditionally, most spaghetti was 50 cm (20 in) long, but shorter lengths gained in popularity during the latter half of the 20th century and now spaghetti is most commonly available in 25–30 cm (10–12 in) lengths. A variety of pasta dishes are based on it, from spaghetti ala Carbonara or garlic and oil to spaghetti with tomato sauce, meat and other sauces.
Spaghetti is the plural form of the Italian word spaghetto, which is a diminutive of spago, meaning "thin string" or "twine."

What is this heavy, creamy sauce then?

Looking at definitions here, it seems that neither of the two sauces comprise of the heavy cream or milk that we Filipinos have grown accustomed to in white spaghetti. Then upon more scouring on the web, I stumbled upon another white sauce which perfectly describes our beloved white sauce. A far cry from the two other sauces I've thus discussed but is a staple for Lasagne dishes. The Béchamel sauce. But what is this Béchamel sauce that I speak of...

Béchamel sauce (English: /bɛʃəˈmɛl, beɪʃəˈmɛl/[1] French: [beʃamɛl]), also known as white sauce, is one of the mother sauces of French cuisine and is used in many recipes of Italian cuisine, for example lasagne. It is used as the base for other sauces (such as Mornay sauce, which is Béchamel with cheese). [3]

But whatever the sources or origins. We don't really need to get into the nitty-gritty of the details to enjoy a nice creamy/cheesy pasta dish now do we? As long as you make one to suit your, and your loved ones' taste, then all is good. We all have our family secret recipes right?

And now... let me share my own favorite Carbonara recipe :) Enjoy!

Silak's Adapted Carbonara Recipe

Ingredients:

500g Pasta (Spaghetti, fettuccine, or linguine will do fine)
350g grated cheese (if you can find parmesan great, but any grocery available cheese will do)
5 cloves garlic (minced)
250 g ground meat (again, depends on what is available, sausages, pecorino ham,  or plain ground pork)
2 tbsp butter
2 medium-sized eggs (beaten together)
ground black pepper
salt

Procedure:

1. Cook the pasta in salt water. Make sure that the water tastes like seawater to ensure that the pasta seeps in a little bit of the flavor. When the pasta is just about al dente (make sure that it does not quite reach the al dente state, it has to be a little bit hard to bite but already flexible), drain and runs through cold water to arrest the cooking process. Drain and set aside.

2. Melt butter over medium heat in a sauce pan. As soon as the butter is liquefied, add the garlic, continue to cook under medium heat. Do not turn up the heat and take your time with the garlic to ensure that the garlic infuses the butter with flavor. Once the butter appears clear and the garlic soft enough, add the ground meat.

3. Sauté the meat with the garlic until the meat releases some of its own oils. At this point, start adding the ground cheese by the tablespoonful. The cheese should melt as you keep stirring. Add water
(1/4 cup at a time) to help with the melting process. Continue adding cheese and water until all the cheese has been incorporated. You should end with a thick soup-like consistency.

4. Place the same pot where you cooked the pasta in over medium heat, put in the pasta, and pour in the cheese sauce. Mix and make sure that the pasta is evenly coated. This should take about 5 minutes, then turn heat to very low.

5.  Mix in the eggs and make sure that the pasta is evenly coated. Keep mixing to avoid the eggs from curdling. Once you get the smooth creamy consistency of the pasta, remove it from heat but continue mixing.

6. Sprinkle with black pepper and make sure that the pepper bits are visible.

Words of Inspiration: If it's fate, it will be yours

My angel and I went to his pediatrician early today for his second flu shot. It was just like any other visit to the clinic only there weren't that many patients yet. The doctor wasn't there yet when we arrived so my little bundle of joy was giving me the time of my life by squirming in my arms while toting his bottle. And, mind you, he was not light (therefore I look like a haggard housemaid after a full day's chores). A few minutes later, our pediatrician arrived.

She was in a nice mood upon seeing little Ram squirming in the clinic waiting area trying to escape from me. We had to wait a few more minutes as she got ready to receive patients. So we went in and she started her check-up. I told her about the issues Ram has been having since our last visit. Then after the check-up and as she was preparing the shot, I asked her about WVSU where she graduated from. I asked her if it was hard to get into WVSU and about the new curriculum, WVSU was implementing (Problem Based Learning). She did say that she wasn't really familiar with it and then she asked me if I already took the NMAT and I said not yet, I am planning to take it by December because I'm still saving up. And so we were done with the shot and she was inquiring about Ram's speech development since she was a bit concerned that this kiddo's speech is a bit late...

Then she told me about her journey towards becoming a doctor.

She told me that she never wanted to be a doctor in the first place. Her dream had been to be a nurse ever since. But then her dad did not want to have both her and her sister taking up the same course, graduating at the same time and having to take the board examinations at the same time that might lead to sibling rivalry. Then her sister suggested having her take a pre-med course instead and eventually medicine. So, being a good daughter, she acquiesced to their suggestion and took up B.S. Biology.

Midway through her pre-med course, she wanted to shift to a different course. Her dad said no. So she finished her pre-med. Then she made a deal that she will only apply for one med school and in case she does not get in, they let her be. Her dad agreed. She emphasized that the only med school she applied for was WVSU. But then she passed.

Through her first year in med school, she again bargained with her dad that if she gets deliberated on her first year, she will quit med school. Her dad agreed. But then, she did not get deliberated. The same thing happened through the second and third year, every year she bargained, every year she passed. Up till the last year of med school, she bargained still. She said that if she does not pass the comprehensive exams comprising of subjects from first to the fourth year, she will not pursue them as she did not want to repeat them. And again, yep, you got it, she passed.

Even though her rotations, she was still listless as to what specialization she will take up. She finished her rotations and had to take up the board exams in a month. But again, she passed. Being a licensed doctor, she still had to choose as to what specialization to pursue. She was offered a slot with Internal Medicine as well as with Pediatrics. She was still resisting being a doctor up to the very end, but then if she did not pursue this now, the next question would be, when?

No need to say she went into pediatrics. And the rest was history. She also emphasized the fact that she was not a patient person but along the way, she learned the virtue. And take note: she is in pediatrics. As we were going out the door, she called out to me, "Good luck with your plans :)"

The moral of this story is, if you are meant to be something, no matter how you resist, you will find yourself there someday. Our pediatrician says that never in her wildest dreams did she think that she would be a doctor, but then, here she is. So aspiring doctors, do not lose hope. If you are meant to be one, one way or another, you will be.

Thank you, dear doctor, you have indeed inspired me especially now that I am faced with challenges as to my resolve in chasing my dream. I am going back to a job that I am not really happy about but I am hoping that the drive to get to my dream will be enough for me to stay there long enough to raise the money I will need later on.

I'll end this with a nice and funny quote from Disney's Tangled which babe and I watched earlier:

Hook Hand Thug: Go, live your dream.
Flynn Rider: I will.
Hook Hand Thug: Your dream stinks. I was talking to her.
[Referring to Rapunzel]

Parsley Pesto- Made by Hand using Parsley

Nothing like comfort food on a rainy day.

I made this using parsley instead of basil. And surprisingly, it came out heavenly either way!

Ingredients:
250 g linguine or any kind of pasta
1 can tuna in brine
1 small onion chopped
50 g curly parsley
1/2 cup olive oil
2 dashes of McCormick Italian seasoning
1 tbsp Parmesan cheese (powdered or shavings)
1 tsp crushed peanuts (pine nuts, cashews, macadamia nuts, sunflower seeds may be substituted)
1/2 tsp salt (or to taste)
1 tsp vinegar
6 cloves of garlic

Process:
1. Mince the parsley and garlic.
2. Combine all ingredients in a mortar and grind with the pestle in a circular manner.
3. Keep grinding until the consistency is thick and pasty.

4. Taste occasionally to check the saltiness.
5. Boil water for pasta according to package instructions, add salt to the water to make it taste like seawater.
6. Saute garlic and onions in olive oil, add tuna.
7. Add pesto, high heat, then toss the pasta.
8. Remove from heat and serve.

Gyoza Madness! - Making Gyoza Dumplings from Scratch

Back when we were kids, there was a time when Japanese animation broke through the Philippine airwaves. For me personally, it started with Sailormoon and for the boys, I think it was Slam Dunk or Ghost Fighter... Well anyway, that was the start.

Then bit by bit, Philippine channels were swamped with anime, lots and lots of it. And with the animania going on, so did the fanaticism to anything Japanese. Japanese restaurants have been thriving all the while but gained more attention from kids wanting to try that "sushi" thing they see on one or more shows they are absolutely crazy about at the time.

And I was no exception. I became so obsessed with Japanese food that I drove my mom and dad near crazy to have our Sunday dinner in a Japanese restaurant. Those were my first experiences in eating Japanese food. Now, as most people know, Japanese food is known for some of their raw dishes and of course having to eat them with wasabi on the side. (Though I read somewhere that true blue connoisseurs say that eating sushi should only be with a soy sauce dip minus wasabi. This is because chefs usually include a considerable amount of wasabi in sushi between the rice and the fish slice)

By the way, the folding technique applied for this particular batch is called the pea-pod. Most of the usual gyoza you see in the market/restaurant is made with the pleated crescent technique. (Click here for the pleated crescent technique tutorial)

The obsession nearly doubled while I was in the first trimester of my pregnancy. I was almost crying every lunchtime simply because I was hungry and I wanted to eat but I felt like throwing up the moment food landed on my tongue. The only exception was California maki or any Japanese dish with sushi rice. I pored over pages on the internet about sushi and sushi rice, how to make them, and just simply obsessing.

Then one day in October 2010, I stumbled upon a gyoza recipe on the internet. Now, aside from sushi, sashimi, and maki, another big-time favorite I had was gyoza. Basically, gyoza is a Japanese dumpling with a subtle gingery taste. Of course, as I always do with recipes, I take them apart and substitute ingredients to similar ones that can be readily found in our kitchen. So let me share my own version of this Japanese favorite and supply some sources you can use to make that dumpling look like an authentic and professionally made gyoza as if ordered from a Japanese restaurant.


Ingredients:

6 big leaves of napa cabbage (aka pechay Baguio in the Philippines)
2 tsp of finely chopped/grated ginger
4-5 cloves of finely minced garlic
1 small onion, finely chopped
1 tsp rock salt (for iodized salt, use 1/2 tsp)
250 g ground pork or beef
1/2 cup bread crumbs
2 tbsp sesame oil
1 tbsp light soy sauce (if using regular soy sauce, use 1 1/2 tsp)
1/2 tsp sugar

250 g of packed dumpling wrapper (the round ones) from the supermarket.
and an additional 1 tbsp of sesame oil for pan-frying.

Dipping sauce
2:1 mixture of soy sauce and vinegar (or according to taste. Dipping sauce should taste like a balance of sour and salty)
4 tbsp soy sauce
2 tbsp vinegar (cane, red wine, rice wine vinegar will do beautifully. As much as possible, do not use white vinegar)

Procedure:

1. Cut off the white stalk of the napa cabbage and just use the green frilly part. Chop finely and rub with salt. Let stand for 10 minutes, then squeeze off excess moisture with a cheesecloth.
2. Combine ingredients in a bowl, using your hands to thoroughly mix the flavors together.
3. Wrap approximately 2/3-1 tbsp of filling using the pleated crescent dumpling method. For an instructional video click here.
4. Heat a skillet (preferably nonstick especially if you're a bit new to cooking) and add 1 tbsp of sesame oil. Reduce to medium heat.
5. Position as many dumplings (with the pleats up, without any parts touching) as you can in the skillet. Pan-fry the dumplings until the bottom part is seared beautifully to a golden brown.
6. Add 1/2 cup of water, cover the skillet and reduce heat to almost a bare simmer.
7. Cook for 10-15 minutes or until the wrappers have turned translucent.
8. Remove from heat and serve immediately. 

*in case they stick to the bottom of the pan, add a little water as you turn off the heat, cover for 1-2 minutes.

This is more of a Filipino version of gyoza as the ingredients I stated here are readily available anywhere in the Philippines.

Itadakimasu!

Another gloomy day... Blame it on hormones!

The day started out pretty well. I was actually playing with my cutie little angel all morning. The worry of puncturing my kid's eardrum was actually at the back of my mind. We watched Ratatouille and Despicable me while I prepared breakfast. Time went by fast and I was actually reviewing chemistry at work. I knew that I had some catching up to do since I was not able to come to work last Thursday and Friday.

But somewhere along, there was a turning point, the day suddenly took a turn for the sour. I was suddenly feeling depressed. One, my period is creeping up on me. Two, I was doing some research and behold! The Pinoy MD scholarship will be discontinued this school year. Three, I don't have enough money to fund my dream. Four, I have class with a student that I really, really dislike. Five, my dinner sucks. And so the list goes...

As the day wound down, I actually felt a little better. During the torturous class with student X, I was actually telling myself, "Well you can get overly annoyed at everything this student says for the next hour, or, you can just shrug it off. Habituate yourself to the student's whiny voice and stop stressing!" And surprise, surprise! It worked. I successfully psyched myself to wind down and thankfully the rest of the day went by relatively peacefully.

Post Script...

My last student was a doctor. And this student we will hence call student Y, actually inspired me. Student Y originally wanted to be a pilot, but proceeded with medical studies. This student told me that I was young, (provided that I am already 25 turning 26 soon) and that I should hold on to my dream. These simple words reminded me of what I told myself. It reminded me that I will do everything I can to be a doctor, no matter how much or how long it takes.

The moral of the story is...
The world is round and it is not perfect. Try to accept the world as it is, for its faults and its beauty. It may not always be happy, it may not always go the way you want, but at the end of the day, wouldn't it be better to conclude with a smile? As Jesus once told His apostles: "And wherever they do not receive you, when you leave that town shake off the dust from your feet as a testimony against them" (Luke 9:5) So if a day goes bad, shrug it off and leave it to the past, after all, tomorrow still awaits.

Not in the mood.

Don't you just hate days when nothing seems to sit right? I know I do.

The day actually started really well, it wasn't raining for one... But maybe my period is due and maybe partly to blame would be my medications, I just don't feel like doing anything today.

Blame it on hormones! But I really hate this day... Today is chemistry day and I have to get psyched with my review. After all, if this dream does become a reality, I should get used to "always" studying. Every free second should be dedicated to reading and understanding.

Then again... how do you deal with the annoyances you encounter and not let them stack one after the other? I can feel my patience slowly slipping. Why does the world have to be full of annoyingly stupid people who aren't using their brains properly? Sorry, I am just really, REALLY annoyed right now.

I have to learn to deal with annoying situations and not let them stress me out. After all, if I really want to succeed with this dream of mine, I should start dealing with stress. The sooner you learn the lesson, the sooner the situation gets out of your hair. I wish it were all that simple.

Well anyway, I will shake this feeling off in a bit.

Rainy day...

The weather is a bit depressing today. The sky is gray and it had been raining lightly all day. It's colder than usual, and the lazy bug bites again. This is particularly one of those days you just want to lay around in bed and sleep, drink hot chocolate or eat some hot instant noodles and watch anime re-runs. But alas, you have responsibilities.

So you get up and make breakfast. Carry the screaming toddler who just loves to watch you cooking. You ponder how to get a copy of that Physics book you need for your review while waiting for a call from a job you are eyeing to land. You go on your day, automatically as if programmed.

I wish there were more excitement to the day. But alas, you just have to settle with what you have. Anyway, like any other day, this too, shall pass.

Today is Physics day. I just have to figure out how to get a copy of a Physics book, as well as a Chemistry book for my review. These so far are my first trials towards my impossible journey. But hey, as they say, one step at a time. I'll get there, just keep moving forward.

A letter from the past...

And so another blast from the past I found from memoirs... I never saw who this was addressed to, but I think those who know me dearly would know. This is just so heartbreaking that I wanted to share and perhaps people can relate to what this person is going through~
Just when my life was getting better...
Why the hell do you have to contact me when things are finally turning up? You know what, while we were talking earlier I realized a very hard truth... I was trying so damn hard to be someone whom you would deserve. I was trying so hard to live up to what you might want in someone. But then, no matter how hard or how much I try, I'm just never going to be good enough for you. I'm right am I not? I will never be someone you will learn to accept and eventually love. Then it hit me so hard... And you're not even a person deserving of the effort I am putting in. You're not worth the hardships I am subjecting myself to. Then I realize, I was so stupid and I wasted so much time and energy for that.
Then, just like that, I lost all interest with you. Well, I can't drop you off and forget about you forever as I would do someone whom I talked to in a bar and will never meet again. That is because you were more than just a fine prospect for my emotions. You were a good friend. And I want to keep true to the few friends I have left. And sadly, (though I would like to stress that I am not disappointed, just, how do you say this nicely...uh... apathetic? oh well, I still care for you that's what counts) I just can't find it in myself to be as sweet and caring as I had been before. I just don't see the point.
Now the big question is, am I really just, well, disillusioned or am I bitter due to the fact that I can never have you as my own? It's more likely the former, because, I guess if I was bitter, I would have been trashing on you with my friends, co-workers and my mom. (Sorry, I tend to blab when I'm angry) So there, I'm not embittered, because all I tell them is that I am starting to get over you. (Well there was nothing there to get over with in the first place, the feeling was never mutual and there never were moments shared and all that...)
Don't get me wrong, I will always care for you and will always be here for you, but I guess you can't expect me to be as loving as I was before because, well, the love is gone. Too harsh, I still love you, but not in the romantic sence anymore that is. Come to think of it, this case is not an isolated one as I seemed to have lost interest with my "friends" (note the quotation marks? Well they seem to be my friends when it comes to their dire needs but they seem to lose interest when I'm the one needing their help. Something like that.) all of a sudden. I guess, the universal reason behind this would be... I just grew up. Yes, you heard right. I grew up. I just outgrew the stupid inane concerns of life that most people around my age are caught up with. I just don't find them interesting anymore. I find their concerns silly, trivial and down right lame. I mean, grow up, learn to accept things the way they are and start focusing on stuff that really matter like taking responsibility for your actions and stuff. And knock it off with all the drama. Life is not like the movies, it never is, start realizing this.
**Sigh**
Oh well, that's just the way things are, and I guess, you will always be there just when I am almost over you (sorry but this is the correct way of stating this and I am not quoting the song FYI) You're my friend, and that's what friends do. We stick together through thick or thin. No matter how annoying one might get. (Not that I find you annoying, you're still adorable to me)
Enough blabber, I need to get back to work now. Cheers~
March 10, 2007

Lovers and Friends, notes from the past...

Friendship is supposed to be something that builds you up. Something that is supposed to bring out the best in you. It's a relationship based on trust, love and respect. True friends are treasures you find as you go along life. They are the select few upon which you are confident to entrust your very life with. And one very special kind of friend, you will make, a best friend. That person is someone you'd bare your soul to in a heartbeat. Someone who shares your deepest sorrow as though they were their own. Someone who'd stand by you despite whatever hardship batters you down. This is what a true friend is...What a best friend is...

Basically, they are a part of you no matter how much you try to exclude them. But then, where do you draw the line when they become more of a destructive force to you? When do you start to let go of that one person whom you shared those sweet and painful experiences of life? They become your enemies the moment they start to break you into pieces instead of keeping you together.

Love, how do you define this emotion exactly? Can love be defined in exact terms? Love, as it may appear to be, is a wonderful feeling two people share especially. But then what about how it feels when the love you offer is not reciprocated? The eerie truth behind the reality of the one-sided love affair. You fall, hopelessly and desperately in love with this one person who can never, not even learn, to love you back. You know it's doomed, you know that in the end you will only end up getting hurt. You know for a fact that you have no chance whatsoever, and still, you stay. Just there, in a distance, watching the person you so painfully love, that one person you would willingly take a bullet for, get hurt and taken for granted by someone else. And to think that you are dying to be that someone else.

And that person, the one you are helplessly in love with...just so happens to be your bestfriend.

The tragedy of the one-sided love story is no mystery to anyone. Everybody, even those who have never experienced it have an inkling, they all know how terribly excruciating it feels. Well, one hears about it quite generously in overrated tv shows, in songs, you read about them in books, media. You know how devastating it can feel. And now, how can you say, and I mean honestly say that such a feeling is conducive or constructive to building up oneself? Such a feeling so dark and depressing can only be classified as destructive. So powerful a force that slowly destroys every fiber of your being.

I found this in one of my past archives... Wow... I am amazed at how dark the aura of this particular piece is. But still, there is some truth to what it says.